Poem: Temporary Tom, Keeper of the Castle (Bizarre! The Day Has Died.)

This is a poem I wrote probably about 5 years ago by using a random sentence generator and piecing together the words and phrases that caught my attention. It is nonsense. Enjoy.

Temporary Tom, Keeper of the Castle (Bizarre! The Day Has Died.)

He pulls withering witches about,

sending glittering monsters over the sea. 

He is luminous, strangely damp near the flowers.

He carries colorful purpose among the trees,

and his dreams

lose their way,

wondering why.

A misty-eyed child

stitches an unreliable map

to the edge of the world,

leading the refugee on a journey

to unlearn his past

where he knew no one.

I am peaceful on the dreamscape,

I am red below the sea.

We are glowing,

heavy brains behind the mist,

blinking aimlessly

beside our neighbor,

memorizing road signs,

and following the splintered root. 

Dynamic and yellow, rabid

about the spirits.

Penniless passenger,

murky beneath the bullshit,

peaceful rabbits before the fire,

where the light comes from,

spreading its rebel song

up the tower walls

with its ceaseless tune.

Second-hand vapors,

balanced in the rain,

staining the wind

with the regrets

of such a man

leaving his home 

before help could come.

A stranger

chases his dream

while the crowd whispers.

Sorting Vegetables into Hogwarts Houses

... I think the title really covers everything I need to say about this one. I would also like to note that I don't really understand what the definition of a vegetable is.

Eggplant: Hufflepuff

I mean it's a purple vegetable. It just feels right.

Rhubarb: Slytherin

One could argue that it is quite ambitious of rhubarb to have poisonous leaves and still make such a delicious pie.

Snap peas: Gryffindor

"They are the unsung delicious heroes of the veggie world."

Green beans: Slytherin

They are green and look like tiny snakes.

Corn: Ravenclaw

I feel like corn just knows so much. 

Spinach: Ravenclaw

I'm pretty sure I've seen spinach on a list of "smart foods" at some point.

Avocado: Gryffindor 

It's like the cool kid of the vegetables. 

Onions: Hufflepuff

Hufflepuff by process of elimination because they certainly do not fit in any of the other houses.

Carrots: Gryffindor

Carrots remind me of swords which feels very Gryffindor. 

Broccoli: Slytherin
Slytherin is the only house for something that children hate even though secretly it's not necessarily so bad all the time.

Potato: Ravenclaw
Versatility feels like something I attribute to Ravenclaw. I don't know why, I'm not convinced that makes sense.

Tomato: Hufflepuff
Because they are squishy.



Shout-out to my friend Solana for being willing to discuss this topic with me at length so I could feel confident in my decisions.

Poem: Night Flight

I found a couple of poems I wrote at some point within the past 5 years saved in a document on my hard drive.

This is a poem I wrote on an airplane flying home for Thanksgiving. Based on a true story.

Night Flight

The cabin is dark.

The passengers sleep,

or pretend to sleep, earbuds jammed in deep

to drown out any voices

and avoid unnecessary small talk with their neighbors. 

The tiny reading light above your head

dimly lights your neighbor’s face.

You turned it on for her,

her chubby T-rex arms too short to reach it,

and too short to reach over her massive torso

to retrieve the shiny sequin purse shoved under the seat in front of her. 

You pick that up for her too.

You have wedged yourself into your seat,

plastered against the closed window shade,

a lost nickel buried among the couch cushions,

forgotten and warm.

She pulls out a copy of 50 Shades of Gray.

You try to focus on something else,

anything else,

but you can’t help but read over her shoulder. 

The book is terrible.

You try to sleep,

but your eyes-closed entertainment is an extremely large, naked woman

tied up in a pristine white clawfoot bathtub, 

rolls of fat blubbering up over the sides as she struggles to push herself out. 

“Excuse me?”

You hesitantly open one eye.

You put her book away and turn off the light.

It’s safer in the dark.

You open the window shade

expecting to see nothing 

but the never-ending blackness of the sky.

Instead you see a sky full of stars,

bright, familiar stars. 

Your window perfectly frames the Big Dipper.

You look down to find a blanket of cottony gray clouds

obscuring humanity below you from sight,

and obscuring you from them.

You think about the Big Dipper, 

and the stars,

and the universe,

and how tiny you are,

and how the people below you can’t share these thoughts with you tonight,

because to them the sky is cloudy,

and outside is snowy and bitter,

and they are in their beds,

blankets pulled tight up to their chins,

the stars but a distant dream.

 You want to share the stars with someone, anyone. 

Your neighbor is now snoring like a congested walrus. 

Sorting Pixar Characters into Hogwarts Houses

There was this SuperCarlinBrothers video recently where they sorted Pixar characters into Hogwarts houses and it was the best thing ever, so I’ve decided to try it for myself. 

I picked most of the main characters, but also I included some supporting characters and excluded a few of the main ones simply because I couldn't make a decision. For the most part I just went for it on my own, but there are moments when I quote the SuperCarlinBrothers directly because they just articulated it so well.

Toy Story

Buzz Lightyear: Gryffindor 

This feels obvious. Bravery is absolutely Buzz’s #1 defining characteristic.

Woody: Slytherin

This one was hard for me, definitely harder than Buzz. I originally thought Hufflepuff, because Woody is incredibly loyal to Andy, but then I remembered how little convincing it takes in Toy Story 2 to convince him to leave all his friends behind and run away to a museum in Japan. I think Woody’s loyalty to Andy is better defined as ambition to be Andy’s favorite. 

A Bug's Life

Flik: Hufflepuff
I also considered Ravenclaw because he's always inventing things which feels like something a Ravenclaw would do, but I decided that really his defining characteristic is his dedication to the cause.

Monster's Inc.

Mike Wazowski: Ravenclaw

I pretty much went back and forth between all four houses on this one. Mike is very loyal to Sulley in Monster’s Inc., but in Monster’s University, he’s not particularly loyal to anyone. He only joins Oozma Kappa so he can participate in the games and win for himself. So then I had to take into consideration his ambition to succeed, and also how one of the main messages of Monster’s University is that Mike isn’t scary, but he is brave. I was pretty much between Ravenclaw and Slytherin but I decided that his hard work and studying are really what allowed him to succeed, so I stuck with Ravenclaw.

Sulley: Slytherin

Sulley is absolutely not a Ravenclaw like Mike. And for similar reasons as my reasoning with Mike, he cannot be a Hufflepuff. Which leaves us with Gryffindor and Slytherin. I chose Slytherin because he pretty much relies on the past success of his family to succeed in Monster’s University. To be honest, I think I get more of a Gryffindor vibe from both of them in Monster’s Inc. and their college years were more fun to work with. 

Finding Nemo

Nemo: Gryffindor

Nemo swims away into the ocean to prove to his dad that he is brave. His bravery is like the entire plot of the movie. In Finding Dory Nemo is very loyal to Dory, which is also important to consider, but I’m going to stick with Gryffindor.

Marlin: Hufflepuff

Marlin is not brave. He is not ambitious. He is not particularly intelligent. Honestly he’s not really that loyal either, but I can give him patience. He has to be a Hufflepuff, it’s the only way.

Dory: Hufflepuff

I had to put Dory in Hufflepuff because she just works so hard and does her best and is loyal even though she can’t remember anything. She’s just so pure.

The Incredibles

The entire Incredible family: Gryffindor

They’re superheroes. I’d have a hard time placing them anywhere else.

Edna Mode: Ravenclaw
It's all that fancy tech and stuff she's got going on. I have to say Ravenclaw.

Cars

Lightning McQueen: Slytherin
Lightning's story is pretty much about how badly he wants to succeed and everything he goes through just to win and be back in the spotlight. 

Mater: Hufflepuff

Again, obvious. Mater's character only exists to be Lightning's most loyal friend. He is "loyal to a fault", according to the SuperCarlinBrothers and I agree wholeheartedly with that statement.

Ratatouille

Remy: Slytherin
Remy is all about ambition. He just wants to be the best ever. That's his whole story.

Linguini: Hufflepuff
He's not particularly ambitious, or brave, or knowledgeable. He's just trying to do his thing.

WALL-E

WALL-E: Hufflepuff
The entire movie is the story of WALL-E chasing the love of his life. I mean who's more loyal and hard-working than WALL-E? 

UP

Carl: Hufflepuff 
This one didn't feel right at first, but really Carl's loyalty to Ellie is what drives his every move. 

Russell: Hufflepuff
He just wants to be friends with everyone. 

Dug: Hufflepuff
"I was hiding under your porch because I love you." -Dug
A defining characteristic of dogs in general is that they are loyal.

Brave

Merida: Gryffindor

“The movie is called Brave.” Well said. 

Inside Out

Joy: Gryffindor
I had a hard time with this one because it's hard to categorize an emotion this way. Joy is ambitious and will do anything to make Riley happy. She also works incredibly hard at this. But I think in the end her bravery is what defines her the most.

Sadness: Hufflepuff
I just couldn't really place her anywhere else. 

The Good Dinosaur

Arlo: Gryffindor
I feel like The Good Dinosaur is pretty much just a classic story of a hero who learns to be brave and save the day. That kind of classic character just has to be Gryffindor.

Coco

Miguel: Slytherin
Again with the ambition. He's ready to do whatever he takes to become a musician. He does however eventually learn to be loyal to his family, but initially he is not that way. He just wants to succeed.

Hector: Hufflepuff
Hector just wants to see his family again. I also considered Slytherin or Gryffindor but really in the end it's his family that he values most.



Thoughts?

Warriors by Erin Hunter

I remember Erin Hunter's Warriors series from when I was a kid. It was one of those series that the school library kept in a bin like they did with The Magic Treehouse because there were so many of them. I was always intrigued by the series because it was about cats and I didn't really need to know anything else about it to know I wanted to read it. I also remember that I only made it through the first one because I didn't actually like it that much, but for some reason I still decided it was a good idea to reread it as an adult.

Now I'm going to say some stuff about what that was like, because that's how this blog works.

So first of all, when I was in Half Price Books looking at Young Reader books, the Warriors series I had a very hard time figuring out which one was the first one. I mean these books do have numbers on them, but there were three different books with a number 1 on them. So there I was in the back corner of the store trying to Google how this children's series about warrior cats is structured so I can make sure I read the first one first. 

It turns out there are actually 6 series of 6 books each, and a bunch of additional companion standalone books and a manga series apparently within the Warriors universe. Into the Wild, which is the one I read, was the first book published in the original series. There is also a more recent series, Dawn of the Clans, which is a prequel to the original one, but I decided to go in the order they were published. Like Star Wars. 

I also learned that the most recent series in the Warriors universe, A Vision of Shadows, is still in progress. I mean, they're still releasing more books in this series. The 5th book in the series, River of Fire, comes out on April 10th, 2018. 

The very first thing I found when I opened the book was a three page list of all of the cats who are mentioned in book, which of the four clans they're in, they're role within the clan, and a physical description of each one. 

Basically how it works is that there are four clans: ThunderClan (Gryffindor), ShadowClan (Slytherin), WindClan (Hufflepuff), and RiverClan (Ravenclaw). Each clan has a leader, a deputy, a medicine cat... I mean this universe is incredibly well developed. The next four pages contain maps of the land where the clans live. 

This was a lot of information to take in before I had even gotten to the prologue, but I powered through. 

The first few chapters I was skeptical. I mean this is a universe where house cats are called "kittypets" and humans are called "twolegs" (which I pronounced incorrectly in my head for longer than I would like to admit) and they kept throwing around the idea of "kittypets going to see the Cutter", and it was just a lot to take in. 

But then all of a sudden my skepticism turned into fascination and in the end I was actually pleasantly surprised. I definitely enjoyed it way more this time around than I ever did when I was a kid. I had no idea there was so much drama in the cat world! As a friend of mine so gracefully put it, "it's like Game of Thrones but with cats."

AND THEN, I read the "about the author" blurb in the back of the book, which reads:

"Erin Hunter is inspired by a love of cats and a fascination with the ferocity of the natural world. As well as having a great respect for nature in all forms, Erin enjoys creating rich mythical explanations for animal behavior, shaped by her interest in astrology and standing stones."

Yes. This seemed obvious. Though the "astrology and standing stones" bit threw me off a little. I thought this "Erin Hunter" figure sounded like a fascinating individual, so I made the obvious decision to Google her.

It turns out, "Erin Hunter" is just a pseudonym. This piece of information on its own wasn't particularly surprising, because books like this often use pseudonyms, and also what are the chances that you'd have the last name "Hunter" and write a book about warrior cats whose main concern is hunting mice? What surprised me is that "Erin Hunter" is actually a team of at least four authors who collectively wrote an extended book series about warrior cats, and also apparently have a collective interest in astrology and standing stones.

In the end, I think Publishers Weekly puts it best:

"Action-packed adventure. Certain to please any reader who has ever wondered what dreams of grandeur may haunt the family cat."

How do dragons work?

I don't really know very much about dragons. 

I do know that dragons are super important in the mythology of many world cultures. 

I also know that dragons are one of the most mainstream mythological creatures, along with unicorns and probably some other things I'm forgetting. If you asked a small child to draw a picture of a dragon, they'd probably be able to present you with a drawing of something resembling a dragon. I personally spent a lot of time as a child fantasizing about what my ideal pet dragon would be like.

A visual representation of my ideal childhood dragon that I found via a Google Images search for "purple dragon"

I recently painted a picture of a purple dragon setting everything on fire and it definitely looks like something a small child created. My mom thinks it's an expression of my frustrations but I'm pretty sure it's just a dragon. This isn't really relevant, I just wanted to talk about my dragon painting because I'm weirdly proud of it. 

Another dragon-related fun fact about my life is that I often find myself accidentally referring to my brother's Rhodesian Ridgeback dog as a Norwegian Ridgeback, which is a dragon from Harry Potter. Anyways.

How to Train Your Dragon is obviously a great movie, but here's a fun fact, it's actually based on a book! Wow! Incredible! Actually, it's an entire series, but I've only read the first one. The second one is on my list. 

How to Train Your Dragon by Cressida Cowell is kinda like the movie but also not really at all. 

One of the main differences I noticed about the dragons in the book version of the story is that they're a lot smaller. Hiccup's dragon Toothless at least is small enough to perch on his arm. I mean not all of them are that small, I guess according to the book the size varies pretty drastically between species, but definitely the ones the people in the village have are not huge. In the movie they're all flying around on their dragons like it's no big deal.

Also, in the book all of the children get to choose a dragon as a rite of passage and if they don't succeed in training it to hunt fish for their viking village, they're exiled, which seems sort of aggressive. In the movie, the vikings are all about slaying dragons, not training them to hunt. 

And then... well I won't tell you what happens, in case you haven't read the book and/or seen the movie, but essentially they're completely different stories.

Mostly, I'm just left with a lot of questions about what dragons are really like. You know, in real life. Real dragons. The ones that exist. 

...in reality.

How big are they? How do you train them? Do they really have their own language like Cressida Cowell asserts in her book? 

If anyone knows things about dragons, I'm really open to learning more about this topic, because like I said, I don't really know very much about dragons. 

An Unnecessarily Detailed Account of my Journey into Books for 8-12 Year-Olds.

So recently I read Peter and the Starcatchers by Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson (a book that tells Peter Pan's origin story) because I received it as a gift last year for my birthday and hadn't gotten around to reading it. And I loved it.

Peter and the Starcatchers is a book with a target audience of probably 8-12 year olds. (Does anyone know what that level of book is called? Middle Grade? Young Reader? It's like the one that comes in between what I will forever know as "chapter books" and what everyone knows as "young adult". I don't know.)

Anyways, I really enjoyed it because it had pirates and adventure and to be honest I often feel like by the end of the day my brain can no longer process anything at a higher reading level than that, so I returned to my bookshelf to decide where to go next. 

I picked up a book called Cold Cereal by Adam Rex, which... did you ever see the Dreamworks movie Home? The one about the purple aliens? Well if not, you should, because it's the best movie ever, and it was based on one of my favorite books that I read in middle school, The True Meaning of Smekday, also by Adam Rex. Since I originally purchased Cold Cereal because I assumed it would be another nonsensical journey just like his other book, and I was correct. 

So I took a trip to Half Price Books and hit up the Young Reader section and I left with a copy of Escape from Mr. Lemoncello's Library by Chris Grabenstein, which was also amazing, and with that, I was hooked forever. 

Then, I went online to thriftbooks.com to find the sequel to Cold Cereal and the sequel to Escape from Mr. Lemoncello's Library and made the mistake of scrolling down to the "You May Also Enjoy..." section, and, well, I may or may not have several shipments of books coming my way over the next two weeks. 

Moral of the story, books for 8-12 year olds are just so much more fun. 

And you can probably expect several upcoming posts about said books in the near future.