Goosebumps book 4: Say Cheese and Die! - One picture is worth a thousand screams.

Update: I found a podcast called Goosebuds where some guys talk in depth about each book pretty much like how I am but with their voices and for an hour. I haven't listened to it yet but I bet they have a lot more interesting things to say than I do because like I said, I am a terrible reviewer. 

Brief Summary and Review: 

Greg and his friends find an old camera in an abandoned house but the photos that develop show horrible things happening to the subjects, and then they come true! It’s bad news and a lot of bad things happen to Greg’s friends and family before they finally decide it would be best to return the camera.

This one had me WORKED. UP. It had me spooked and upset the entire time. My initial reaction was that I was enjoying it and that’s why I was so worked up but I maybe hated it, it’s impossible to say. 

I mean, first of all, Greg was the only one to react the right way at all, all of his friends were like, “nah man you’re crazy” but clearly he was not, a broken camera does not radically distort the context of a photo, not how it works. The worst of them was Shari treating it like a toy, I was furious. 

I think the worst moment when I was the most worked up was when they took the photo of Bird at his baseball game and he was like knocked unconscious in the outfield, that one really got me. In all of the Goosebumps books they do crazy and misleading chapter break cliff hangers where you think someone died but they were just messing with you, but in this one it was a false alarm followed by the real thing which was too much for me for sure. 

Also I’m curious about the ripping up of the photos. Greg ripped up the photo of Shari which reversed its effects but would it have worked with any of the other ones? I’m intrigued. 

I have mixed feelings about this one for sure but I give it a 10/10 for getting me so worked up.

Rating:

Did I like this one or did I hate it? Unclear. For now I’m giving it the #2 position I think.

1. Stay Out of the Basement (#2)

2. Say Cheese and Die! (#4)

3. Monster Blood (#3)

4. Welcome to Dead House (#1)

Subject to change for sure. I just think as far as cursed objects go, I prefer the camera to the can of slime. 

The Journey: 

A skeleton barbecue on the cover and a catchy, pun of a cover tagline. I’m in. 

Chapter 1: A lot of characters right off the bat. Michael Warner, Greg Banks, Doug “Bird” Arthur, and Shari Walker all bored with nothing to do in their small town, and discuss their options. They’re bored? I’m bored.

As they walk they pass an abandoned house called the Coffman house, featured in a variety of scary stories. What better thing to do when you’re bored than go explore a spooky old house? 

Chapter 2: There is some debate and several chicken sounds but they finally decide to go in. There is apparently a “weird-looking man of fifty or sixty they’d all seen lurking around town” who they call Spidey who they think might be staying in the Coffman house. Sure. 

They see some rats, some things go bump, and then Bird goes into the basement. 

Chapter 3: The classic tale of the boy who cried wolf is mentioned. Foreshadowing? Probably. But you never know, nothing ever came of Casey’s interest in lemon trees. 

More evidence that Spidey is living there, and some dusty old clothes which they obviously try on. Greg does some more exploring and finds a hidden cabinet that contains, you guessed it, a camera. 

Chapter 4: Greg is a camera-lover so he takes it and takes snaps a photo of Michael, but before they have a chance to see the photo it shot out, Michael falls down and hurts his ankle, and they hear footsteps upstairs.

Chapter 5: So they’re trying to sneak an injured Michael out of a hidden entrance behind the furnace and Spidey is calling down to them from upstairs but the door is stuck and they’re panicking…

Chapter 6: …but they finally get the doors open and take off running, camera still in Greg’s hand, and Spidey staring at them as they go. 

Chapter 7: Something is weird about Michael’s photo. They took the picture before he fell but the picture is of him as he’s falling… that can’t be right. 

Greg runs home and sees his dad’s new car and takes a photo before going inside to hide his camera from his parents. 

Chapter 8: The photo of the brand new car is a photo of a totaled car after a serious accident. Hmm.

Is the camera causing accidents or predicting them? As far as cursed objects go, a cursed camera is a pretty cool one. Let’s see where this goes. 

Then Greg’s dad is like “I’m taking you all for a drive in the new car!” Which… uh oh.

Chapter 9: His family is trying to make casual dinner conversation and meanwhile Greg is like “HOLY CRAP SOMETHING CRAZY IS HAPPENING WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE IN DAD’S CAR” (he doesn’t actually say that but it’s implied). 

Chapter 10: They go for a drive and they’re all excited about the new car. His dad is speeding a little bit and he’s so excited but meanwhile Greg is about to pass out from fear in the backseat and Dad starts trying to find the light switch and Greg’s like “Dad—look out for that truck!” 

Chapter 11: … but they’re okay, it’s okay. 

At home, Greg can’t stop looking at the photo of the “new” car and decides to try again with his brother Terry as his subject. This time the photo of Terry in his room develops into Terry, looking terrified, in front of the house across the street from the playground? 

I’m sure that’ll come up again later. 

Fast-forward to Tuesday, Greg brings the camera to Bird’s little league game. He and Shari take a picture of Bird and it turns out to be a picture of him “sprawled unconscious on his back, his mouth twisted open, his neck bent at a frightening angle, his eyes shut tight.” 

At this point they definitely get rid of the camera, right? 

Chapter 12: Greg and Shari are investigating the camera during the game, it has no name on it, no words of any kind, and doesn’t seem to have a way to open it, and then they look up and see in real life what the photo of Bird had already shown them. 

This one is really frightening, I’m legitimately frightened by this one.

Chapter 13: Classic, it was a prank, Bird was pranking them. R.L. Stine definitely knows his way around a chapter break cliff-hanger. Jesus Christ. 

OH MY GOD IT HAPPENED ANYWAYS THE FIRST TIME WAS A PRANK BUT THIS TIME IT REALLY HAPPENED I cannot. Is he dead? Did he die? Did Greg just accidentally murder his friend with a cursed camera? 

Chapter 14: AND NOW TERRY IS THERE BECAUSE THEIR DAD WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT and fulfills two snapshots at once, Terry’s and the car! Did Greg just murder his friend and his dad? And what about Michael? Why was his ankle thing so much less severe? He essentially just walked it off. This one is causing me emotional turmoil. 

There is a dark figure watching, hiding. 

Chapter 15: They go to the hospital and Greg is freaking out (with good reason) and their dad is alive and awake but very injured. Greg wants to tell his parents the truth but figures they would never believe him anyways. 

Chapter 16: Bird is also okay, lucky even. But stupid Shari wants Greg to bring the murder camera to her birthday party for entertainment and he agrees even though he knows it’s stupid. Stupid. 

Chapter 17: It is apparently important that Michael is wearing an oversized Hawaiian shirt. 

Now Shari is all, “you can take my picture first since it’s my birthday,” because she’s a dummy. So Greg takes the photo and wants him to take one of Michael but Michael is smarter than Shari and is like “No way!” and then Shari is like “Truth or Dare!” and there are nine girls there and just the three boys and they are all temporarily distracted from the death camera because they are 12 years old and Truth or Dare is bound to be incredibly embarrassing. 

But then they look at the photo of Shari and she’s not in it for some reason so Greg takes another one but still she’s not in it so Shari loses interest and it’s back to Truth or Dare which is described to be “just as embarrassing as Greg imagined”. 

And then it’s time for cake but they can’t find Shari. 

Chapter 18: Shari is missing and Greg tries to tell the police but obviously they think he’s crazy.

Chapter 19: Greg goes home to find no one home and his room ransacked. Could it have been Spidey looking for his cursed camera?

Chapter 20: Greg contemplates the situation.

Chapter 21: Greg contemplates some more.

Chapter 22: Greg tries to convince Bird and Michael to help him return the camera to where he found it and in the process Bird accidentally takes Greg’s picture! 

Chapter 23: Now two older boys, Joey Ferris and Mickey Ward, show up, again with the pair of bullies that no one has time for because much worse things are going down, and they try to steal the camera but there is no way Greg is about to let them murder each other with that horrible thing so he steals it back and runs away and they all go home. 

Chapter 24: Greg looks at the photo Bird took of him and it’s he and Shari looking terrified at the playground. Weird. 

Then his mom finds him and takes him home. 

He’s freaking out and rips up the photos that was supposed to be of Shari and then two hours later the phone rings, and it’s Shari!

Could it be that easy? If he rips up the photos does it cancel the effects? That can’t be right, it’s too simple. So much stress for nothing.

Chapter 25: Shari doesn’t remember anything about what happened in between her birthday and her return (which was at the exact moment that Greg destroyed the photos) and Greg goes to see her at the playground, and Spidey shows up.

That must be the photo of Greg and Shari looking scared at the playground. 

Chapter 26: So they run, and some guy named Jerry Norman from across the street threatens to call the police on Spidey, so Spidey leaves and Shari agrees to help Greg return the camera.

Chapter 27: Shari and Greg are afraid of the Coffman house but go inside anyways.

Chapter 28: They put the camera back but then Spidey spots them! 

Chapter 29: Spidey is very angry at them for using the camera because “the camera is evil… I should know. I helped create it.” Oh no, it’s the Monster Blood all over again.

Apparently Spidey’s scientist partner or whatever invented the camera and then cursed it so no one else could profit from it if it was stolen because he was a master of the dark arts in addition to being a scientist so now it’s a camera that literally steals souls. Spidey’s like, “I lost everything because of it… I’m afraid you can’t go. You know too much.” 

Wow I’m glad he at least explained himself before trying to kill them.

Chapter 30: Spidey wants to use the camera against them but Shari tries to take it from him. As they struggle the camera flashes but… whose photo did it take? Camera in hand, Shari and Greg make a run for it. 

Chapter 31: It was a photo of Spidey, and he dies and they return the camera to where the found it.

And then Joey and Mickey find it and take it. Can’t wait for the sequel. 

Up next: The Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb

Goosebumps book 3: Monster Blood - It’s a monster blood drive!

Brief Summary and Review: 

Evan's mom is making him stay with his wacky great Aunt Kathryn for a few weeks and he is not thrilled. But things are looking up when he makes a new friend Andy and they find a can of "Monster Blood" in a toy store. It starts as fun and games with some toy slime, but they soon discover that the goo won't stop growing, and even made Evan's dog Trigger triple in size! In the end the Monster Blood, giant as ever, is on the loose and it's Aunt Kathryn's evil cat Sarabeth that's behind it all and it's up to Evan, Andy, Trigger, and Aunt Kathryn to stop her -- and her giant slime monster. 

Let me just say that this is the first one where I literally had no idea where it was going at all until it was happening which was so fun. I was so worried about the dog the whole time but it turned out it was the cat I should have been worried about! 

I also absolutely loved the characters in this book, I mean Evan was just a regular 12 year old protagonist but I love his friend Andy, she was so fun, and the giant dog, and Aunt Kathryn was just always keeping me guessing. 

I am, however, entirely let down by the lack of blood drive as was implied by the tagline on the cover. 

I give it 10/10 for lovable characters. 

The Ranking: 

This one is tricky. I really liked this one, but I think I have to give the #1 spot to Stay Out of the Basement because I can't stop worrying that everyone wearing a hat is actually a plant imposter. 

1. Stay Out of the Basement
2. Monster Blood
3. Welcome to Dead House

The Journey:

The cover is green good and a pair of glasses dripping down the stairs, we can only assume this is monster blood. It’s the cover blurb that really has me thrown off, I hope this book is about good-natured monsters who try to donate blood that ends up infecting recipients. 

Chapter 1: We meet our redhead protagonist, Evan, who does not want to be left to stay with his great Aunt Kathryn (thus far described as “completely deaf”, “very stubborn”, and “a bit weird”) for an undefined amount of time. At least he will have Trigger, his cocker spaniel, for company, but if that dog dies, I will not be pleased. I’m still not over Petey. 

Our first glimpse of Aunt Kathryn is one of her with a knife in her hand, and “the blade of the knife is dripping with blood.” 

After the first chapter of Stay Out of the Basement I already had a handle on the main conflict, but this one still has me guessing.

Chapter 2: “I was slicing beef… you like beef?” - Aunt Kathryn

Now Aunt Kathryn won’t stop repeating, “He likes the girls” and then she self-described herself as a “scary old witch” and threatened to bake the dog into a pie. I do not know how to interpret this first impression of Aunt Kathryn. 

Now what is Evan to do with nothing but shelves full of exclusively science books and magic books to entertain him? I guess we’ll find out, but literally anything could happen. 

Chapter 3: A black cat named Sarabeth attacks Evan. Aunt Kathryn says “she’s evil. Pure evil.” and then repeats the word “evil” a bunch of times and ties the dog up in the backyard. Rude. 

Chapter 4: Evan takes Trigger out for a walk and he runs off after a squirrel. 

Chapter 5: We meet Andrea (“I make everyone call me Andy”), who I immediately like. She has yellow sneakers and a cool red bike and says things like “I like your dog… he looks real stupid… does he have a stupid name?” Evan is going to go with her into town. 

Chapter 6: This town has TWO toy stores, an old one and a new one. Andy prefers the old one. It also has a video store because it’s 1992. 

The old toy store seems to be a warehouse with a bunch of toys laying around wherever there was space and the owner is a grumpy old man. Evan finds a blue can labeled “Monster Blood-Surprising Miracle Substance” in a back room. 

Chapter 7: Evan wants to buy the Monster Blood with the $10 his mom gave him but the grumpy owner man says it isn’t for sale, and then suddenly for no apparent reason changes his mind and sells it to him for $2. He and Andy go back to Aunt Kathryn’s house to open it up.

What do they think they’ve just purchased? Do they think it’s like a can of slime? 

Chapter 8: It’s an old can of green glow-in-the-dark slime. It bounces and stretches and it’s very cold and they’ve decided to play catch with it. AND THEN TRIGGER ATE IT. Seriously, this dog better not die on me. Is he going to turn into a monster?! I’m not happy about this turn of events. 

Chapter 9: Aunt Kathryn is mean and it seems like Evan might be staying with her a bit longer than anticipated. Evan goes to Andy’s house alone because Trigger is “asleep” (morphing into a monster dog probably) and is stopped by two large twin bullies. 

Chapter 10: The bullies, Rick and Tony Beymer, claim that as a “non-resident” Evan is required to pay a toll. Lucky for Evan, Andy shows up to save the day because she’s the best, but the twins stole her bike! 

Evan goes home and finds his Monster Blood can completely full even though Trigger ate some of it. Then he finds Trigger in the backyard choking. Does the Monster Blood fill whatever container it is in? Like grows in size and in this case expanded to fill Trigger’s stomach? I do not care for that. 

Chapter 11: At first glance Evan thinks Trigger’s collar was too tight somehow, but then observes that he actually just seems bigger. 

And then the next day he and Andy find a cat (not the evil one) tied to a tree so they free it and blame the Beymer twins. …I worry about all the animals in this universe.

Aunt Kathryn likes puzzles and claims to be 112 years old and wears a bone around her neck. 

Chapter 12: Uh oh! The Monster Blood is growing! It is now oozing out of the container and also became warm and sticky and no longer bounces. They put it in a larger container and then have a Monster Blood fight and look out the window to discover that Trigger has doubled in size. 

I still feel like I’m not entirely confident that I know where this is going.

Chapter 13: “He was already the size of a pony, and getting larger by the minute.” Evan and Andy are chasing Trigger who is chasing Rick and Tony. 

Thank goodness, it was just a dream, but also EVAN HAS BECOME A GIANT. But I don’t think he even ate any?

Chapter 14: Oh wait. That was also a dream. So. Still everything is okay. Except the Monster Blood continues to grow. 

Chapter 15: So Evan and Andy take Trigger to the vet and the vet doesn’t have anything useful to say at all and just gives him special food, but like why would the vet know about the effects of Monster Blood? And then Andy has to run off to her piano lesson so Evan leaves Trigger outside a grocery store so he can buy some ice cream. Doesn’t really seem like the time, does it? Anyways, when he goes back outside he finds the Beymer twins trying to steal Trigger and then they knock his ice cream out of his hand and take off running and Trigger chases them and Evan chases Trigger and… wait this seems familiar… “Would [the rest] of the dream also come true?”

Chapter 16: Now the Monster Blood has filled a large bucket. “Maybe Trigger’s growing because he ate the Monster Blood” no duh. 

Evan and Andy debate what to do with it. Should they throw it away? Divide it up? I can think of no real solution at this point. They try to put some into a coffee can for Andy to keep but it doesn’t seem to want to let go of it… it might just be a monster all on its own. 

He’s on his way home to eat “some kind of meat” when the Beymer twins make an appearance! I would say Evan really does not have time for bullies when he’s also dealing with the rapid growth of both his dog and the Monster Blood but okay. 

Chapter 17: The twins spill his bucket of Monster Blood and also punch him in the stomach. Andy comes to the rescue as always and helps him clean up the Monster Blood which seems to have changed in consistency yet again. 

Evan decides to find a larger container to put it in so he can bring it back to the toy store in the morning. “Some kind of meat” turns out to be beef stew.

Chapter 18: The Monster Blood is growing faster than ever and Evan is struggling to carry it because it’s so heavy and also he has a flashlight in one hand and he’s worried he’ll spill it and there’s a spider and it’s a whole mess because probably the spider will eat some Monster Blood and become a giant spider which is no good and he’s also found a mannequin and then dumps the Monster Blood into an old bathtub. 

And then the evil cat pushes him into it! Aunt Kathryn was right, that cat is evil and now Evan is going to turn into a giant monster! 

Chapter 19: This scene is wild, the Monster Blood is straight up trying to consume Evan, he’s stuck in a bathtub and cannot move or breathe. And that, kids, is why too much slime can really be a bad thing.

Chapter 20: He somehow managed to free himself and then in the morning writes the following note to show to his deaf Aunt Kathryn: “I HAVE A PROBLEM… I NEED YOUR HELP. THE BATHTUB DOWNSTAIRS IS OVERFLOWING WITH GREEN MONSTER BLOOD AND I CAN’T STOP IT.” 

She laughed and then suddenly serious said, “I warned you to be careful.” …She’s hard to read, that one. What’s her secret? 

Anyways, he gathers up all the Monster Blood and Andy gathers up her portion as well and they meet at the old toy store which has gone out of business! Inconvenient for sure. 

Chapter 21: Now the Monster Blood is breathing. 

They bring it back to Aunt Kathryn’s house and put it in the trash and receive news that Evan’s mom is coming to pick him up that afternoon and he’s ready to just take the dog and get out of there, leaving the Monster Blood to expand all over Aunt Kathryn’s yard. An incredibly rude move, young Evan. 

Chapter 22: Trigger is now the size of a pony for real. In a panic, Evan does the worst thing that he possibly could have done in that moment which is accidentally knock over the trash can full of Monster Blood. “the quivering green mass appeared to come to life, like a newly born creature pulling itself up, stretching, looking around.” Yikes.

Chapter 23: Now the giant green ball is chasing them and absorbing into its being whatever it happens to roll over, like a bird, and THE BEYMER TWINS — it just swallows them right up and keeps on rolling — and then it rolls right up to a startled Aunt Kathryn and goes after her too! 

How in the world are they going to get out of this one? 

Chapter 24: But then Aunt Kathryn is all, “Get out, save your lives! I made this thing, I must die for it!” Excuse me, what now? 

Chapter 25: And now Evan’s all, “You did this! You cast a spell!” to Aunt Kathryn but then Aunt Kathryn is like “I didn’t do it, She did!” AND POINTS AT ANDY.

ANDY HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THIS. This is worse than when they killed off Petey, I trusted Andy! 

Chapter 26: Oh thank God she was actually pointing at Sarabeth the evil cat. What a relief. But also this just got out of control.

Sarabeth the evil cat just morphed into Sarabeth the evil woman and Kathryn is all, “Your spell over me is broken… for twenty years, you have used me… imprisoned me here, held me in your spell. But now I will use this Monster Blood to escape.” 

Okay. Hold that thought. Aunt Kathryn was caught under the spell of the evil cat and has some sort of plan involving Monster Blood to escape? This has been an unexpected turn of events for sure. Maybe even crazier than Stay Out of the Basement which also caught me entirely off guard. 

Chapter 27: Now Sarabeth is like, “All of you must die.” And then Aunt Kathryn explains that she and Sarabeth used to be friends until Sarabeth made her deaf with her dark magic and forced her to cast a spell on the Monster Blood and has been holding her prisoner and now wants to kill everyone who knows her secret. And then Sarabeth starts commanding the giant ball of Monster Blood to “kill the children!” 

Chapter 28: Trigger to the rescue! He comes out of nowhere and pushes Sarabeth into the Monster Blood! And then Trigger starts to shrink and the blob of Monster Blood starts to shrink and the Beymer brothers fall out of it and they are somehow miraculously alive and even the bird escapes, but Sarabeth is gone. 

Chapter 29: Now Trigger is back to normal and Aunt Kathryn has her hearing back and Evan’s mom is here to get him and the Monster Blood seems to have shrunk entirely away and for good. 

What. A. Wild. Ride. 

#4 is Say Cheese and Die which is a title that I remember vividly from my childhood. 

Goosebumps book 2: Stay Out of the Basement - Something's waiting in the dark...

Brief summary and review: 

Margaret and Casey's dad has been acting pretty strange lately. He's a recently fired botanist who spends all day locked up in the basement working on his experiments and ABSOLUTELY FORBIDS anyone from going down there. When their mom goes out of town, Margaret and Casey break this rule many times and find evidence that their own father is turning into a plant. Why else would he be growing leaves from his head and eating plant food and sleeping in a pile of dirt? Before long, they know too much and have no choice but to stop whatever it is that's going on downstairs. 

I LOVED this one. I enjoyed it way more than the first one. First of all, I am still not over Margaret's stupid friend Diane who convinced them to go into the basement in the first place, but really they were all a bit stupid for continuing to go down there. But what fun is a scary story if the characters are smart enough to stay out of it? And even though they were all pretty dumb, Margaret really made up for it in the end with her GENIUS plan to STAB HER FATHER to find out if he was human. Seriously, I had no idea how they would ever tell which one was the real one, both sides of the story seemed plausible.  

Second of all, I thought from the beginning that I had it all figured out. I assumed that Dad was some sort of Frankenstein creating plant monsters in the basement, which was sort of true I suppose, but I definitely fell for the whole "Dad's turning into a plant" thing and I was SHOCKED to discover that he had actually been replaced by his plant clone! I definitely did not see that one coming. 

I give it a 10/10 for killing it with the plot twist. 

The Ranking:

So far I have only read two of them, but I definitely liked this one way more than the first one so as it stands:

1. Stay Out of the Basement
2. Welcome to Dead House

The Journey: 

Cover: A spooky green (leafy?) hand reaches out from behind a door. “Something’s waiting in the dark…” and I can’t wait to find out what it is.

Chapter 1: Off to a not-so-promising start, we’ve already met Casey and Margaret and their dad, a botanist, who has been spending a lot of time in the basement “with his plants and weird machines” lately and has no time to spend with his own children. It would seem that the family moved to California so Dad could work at a company called PolyTech but he has already been fired.

“Stay out of the basement!” 

I feel like I already have a basic handle on the entire plot of this one.

Chapter 2: Oh no, their mom is going out of town! This is a disaster.

Margaret’s friend Diane is over and is asking a lot of questions and wants to go into the basement, so they do? Definitely not a good move. 

Chapter 3: The three of them enter the basement together, which seems to be climate controlled to mimic rainforest conditions. “It’s so moist… Good for your hair and skin.” … Thanks, Diane, always looking on the bright side. 

“Ooh. Feel this one… just rub your hand on it,” says Diane. I’m beginning to think she’s not a great influence on Margaret, who clearly has a bad feeling about the whole situation. 

Casey thinks it’s too hot and takes off his shirt to which Diane replies, “What a bod!” Diane is the worst.

In the basement they’ve found a “tall, leafy tree” that seems to be breathing as well as some kind of crazy machine that they’ve never seen before. 

Chapter 4: The plants are now crying and moaning, they all agree that it’s weird, and they go back upstairs to talk about math homework. 

No one will ever know they were down there, they will just pretend it never happened, except… Casey forgot his shirt! 

Chapter 5: Dad is pulling into the driveway, Casey ran downstairs to grab his shirt while Margaret keeps watch, but now he’s not coming back up, so obviously Margaret goes after him. 

These kids are really dumb, way dumber than the ones in Welcome to Dead House. 

Chapter 6: We catch up with Casey’s perspective as he returns for his forgotten t-shirt. He didn’t come back upstairs right away because one of the plants grabbed him and wouldn’t let go. Margaret managed to free him but unfortunately their dad is waiting for them at the top of the stairs. 

Chapter 7: Dad surprisingly doesn’t yell at them, he just sort of stares at them with no emotion at all. Margaret and Casey note that it is not at all typical of their dad to respond this way. He claims that someday he will take them downstairs with him and explain everything. But for now he has installed a lock on the basement door. 

Dad wears a baseball cap now, there was no reason to bring that up if it wasn’t important. Maybe he’s dead and can’t be exposed to the light. 

Then Margaret finds her dad in the kitchen rapidly consuming plant food from a bag. I take it back, he’s not dead, he’s a plant. 

Chapter 8: Margaret and Casey contemplate the implications of their recent discoveries. 

Casey and Margaret go over to Diane’s house and she starts asking a lot of questions again. Who’s she spying on, am I right? Or maybe she’s just incredibly nosy and annoying. In the middle of the conversation, Casey randomly asks if the lemons on a nearby tree are ripe. They finish discussing their dad’s mad scientist tendencies and then run home, Casey declares that they should get a lemon tree, then accidentally knocks off Dad’s baseball cap with a frisbee and reveals the leaves growing out of his head. 

So far we’re 2/2 for using hats to hide secrets. I can’t wait to hear how he plans to explain away this one.

Chapter 9: He explains it with what we can only assume is the truth, which is that he’s trying to create a plant that is part animal. The leaves on his head are a temporary side effect. Why is he trying to make a plant/animal hybrid? That really is the question, but Margaret seems stuck on a different question, “What must it feel like? Green leaves pushing up from your pores, uncurling against your head.” 

In an attempt to find more answers, Margaret accidentally catches her dad tending to a wound that is oozing green blood. 

Chapter 10: It’s the middle of the night and there is moaning and crying coming from the basement. Human or plant? Probably both. 

In the morning, Margaret once again attempts to confront her father but instead finds his bed empty except for a layer of dirt crawling with insects and worms. 

This is definitely the grossest thing that has happened so far. Is this a new development just since their mom has been out of town? Or do they not share a bed, because I can’t imagine she knew her husband was turning into a plant and also allowed him to fill their bed with dirt. I’ve noticed that the adults in these books seem to leave me with a lot of unanswered questions but I guess that’s what happens in books for children. 

Chapter 11: Margaret reveals to Casey that she’s told Diane about some of the crazy things they’ve been discovering. I don’t trust Diane. 

Dad calls them in for “lunch” but really he’s just trying to trick them into eating some mysterious green substance. They don’t trust him because he’s never made them lunch before and they suspect he’s trying to turn them into plants, but he is yelling at them and they don’t seem to have another choice.

I can’t believe he wants to turn his kids into plants! That is incredibly rude and definitely illegal. 

Chapter 12: Saved by the bell. It’s Dad’s old boss, here to check on his progress. 

Chapter 13: They’ve decided to go back into the basement while Dad is away. Terrible idea.  

Margaret picks the lock with a paperclip just like her friend Kevin taught her. Seriously this girl needs some new friends. Kevin who picks locks and Diane who clearly cannot be trusted are not good influences on her. 

“[The plants] seemed to be reaching up, reaching out, quaking with energy as they grew.” 

Chapter 14: They spot an open window and a squirrel that has snuck in through it. They also find Dad’s boss’s coat, and realize no one ever saw him leave. Did he get eaten by a plant? Is that what I’m supposed to get from this? What is this, Little Shop of Horrors? 

Poll: Dad’s boss was eaten by a plant or Dad murdered his boss to protect his experiments? 

I think he was eaten by a plant, but the other option somehow seems like it’d be worse. 

Chapter 15: Dad tries to defend his plants and warns (threatens?) them once again about going into the basement.

Chapter 16: Mom’s coming home and Casey wants to fly his kite… which is on a shelf in the basement. He’s just going to run down and get it like it’s nothing and Margaret decides to go with him. Seriously? At this point I really think they should have learned their lesson. 

Now we’re definitely supposed to think that a plant ate Dad’s boss. 

Chapter 17: “Dad lied to us.” OBVIOUSLY HE LIED. 

Still in the basement, they are now trying to break open the closet doors because they think Dad’s boss is trapped (and naked? They found his jacket, shoes, and pants?) 

Chapter 18: What did they find behind the closet doors? Weird plants. Plants with human features. And human feet that belong to… their Dad? But Dad went to the airport to pick up Mom! 

OMG IT WAS A PLANT COPY OF HIM THIS WHOLE TIME. The plants turned on him and locked him up and tried to replace him and turn everyone into plants! 

Chapter 19: They free him and he grabs an axe and the other Dad gets home from the airport and now we don’t know which one is the real one! I can’t believe the tension, I’m on the edge of my seat. 

Chapter 20: Now Margaret has the axe, but she can’t figure out which Dad is the real Dad. So she comes up with a plan.

Chapter 21: Margaret takes a knife and straight up stabs the dad from the closet in the arm. A bold move, but it works! Closet-dad bleeds red blood instead of green goo like the plant imposter. Margaret is a genius and also sort of a badass. 

She passes off the axe to the real Dad and he slices the plant Dad right down the middle. What a relief. 

They also release Dad’s boss, who hires him back for some reason. 

It also turns out that real Dad also has some leaves growing out of his head because some of his blood mixed with the plant “blood”. But he destroys most of the plants, and claims some of them can be planted in the back garden because they’re just regular plants. (I for one think he should destroy them all just in case but maybe that’s just me.) 

Then, because we couldn’t just end on a happy note, a small yellow flower, a survivor from the basement, WHISPERS “Margaret… help me… I’m your real father.” 

YIKES. 

… I still don’t trust Diane. Also, what's up with the lemon tree? 

Up next: Monster Blood.